I wonder if I'm lacking a patriotic gene or something but I just found it impossible to get excited about Scotland playing Latvia and Lithuania to win a place in the play-offs for Euro 2000. It seems the only way we can gain a place in any tourament is through the back door. However, when we eventually get dumped out in the first round after humiliating defeats the post mortem that follows would have us believe we could have won the thing if only our players and tactics were not useless.

I really wanted Iceland to win a place just so a Hibs player could say he had been there. I suppose it is more realistic to assume that we will have a representative aboard the first manned mission to Mars before one of our heroes will grace fitba' at the highest level. This situation is even sadder with the knowledge that our very own Russell Latapy is so good he actually plays for two countries, Trinidad and Tobago. Unfortunately Russell's international team-mates, with the possible exception of Dwight Yorke, who can play a bit, are a shower of numpties so it is unlikely we will see him in a World Cup.

Anyway, Iceland. Our very own Ole Gottskalksson is currently Iceland's second choice goalie, a man at the very pinnacle of his career. Did you know that Iceland is the same size as Portobello? The main differences between the two are that Portobello is colder than Iceland and unfortunately does not have as many blondes. Personally I always measure the true worth of a place by the number of blonde stoaters it can produce, therefore, I love the Scandinavian countries but have little affection for Japan and China. Shallow? Me?

So, imagine what it would be like to have to choose your international football team from a place the size of Portobello. You would think that if you are reasonably good then you must stand a chance of getting a game so imagine how poor Ole feels to be only second choice. Mind you, from a population of five million Scotland have struggled to get a decent goalie and have had to resort to using Neil Sullivan, an Englishman for goodness sake. Neil gave a classic interview to the Scotland on Sunday recently in which he defended his selection as Scotland's goalie and his rather dubious form for Wimbledon. He suggested "It's very harsh of people to judge me purely on the basis of results. I know I've conceded a lot of goals but it's unfair to draw conclusions". This is the kind of staggering self belief that must be applauded for its simple logic. It seems that just because a goalie lets in lots of goals this doesn't necessarily make him a bad goalie. Brilliant. What I would like to know is how then do we judge Neil? Should it be because he has got nice hair, drives a nice car or is kind to his mum? Come on Neil, give us a clue and tell us why you should continue to hamper, oops, I mean help, Scotland's quest for glory.

Neil will show us his true worth when he plays against England to take us to Euro 2000. Let's not forget that he has world class defenders like Calderwood, Weir and Elliot protecting him so it should be a skoosh. Neil, bless him, believes he is a true Scot and his critics are being unfair. To demonstrate his understanding and love of all things Scottish he lists his heroes and greatest influences in Scottishness as Rod Stewart and Mel Gibson. As a footnote to this debate it would appear that anyone with a British passport can then represent the British country of their choice. So, can someone now explain to me why so many New Zealanders play rugby for Scotland. I don't know much about rugby but, compared to Scotland, New Zealand are quite good so why don't 'our' New Zealanders want to play for them?