I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw last month's Leither. Talk about a sport explosion in sport city, there was so much sport to read about I didn't know where to start. Giving publicity to inferior sports is fine but let us remember that the world revolves around football and it will remain my mission to bring you the most shallow, libelous and ill-informed column in this paper.

I would, I'm sure you will agree, be failing in my duty if I did not mention the recent debacle following Hearts' great European adventure. So what was it all about then? The cause of the great Jambo stushie was the claim that the goalmouth at one end of the Real Mallorca ground had a bump in it, thereby making this goal smaller than the one at the other end. Now this game was played under exactly the same rules as all other football games (unless of course we are talking about home games for the Huns) and both teams had the opportunity to both defend and attack this supposedly flawed goal. The outcome of the game was a 1-1 draw and I have never been able to establish if the goals were scored into the goalmouth in question so I would be extremely grateful if someone could let me know. It would appear that even though Hearts were gubbed in the first leg at Tynecastle they argued that UEFA should award them a replay, or, presumably, an infinite number of replays until they managed to win one. Apparently Hearts were calling for the Scottish clubs to boycott future European tournaments in protest at the treatment they received. It's strange that the prospect of losing the Scottish clubs and subsequently diminishing the value of future competitions did not have UEFA quaking in it's boots, don't you think? As a result of all this the Jambos are to introduce their alternative to the Mexican wave.

To perform this it will require the fans to leap to their feet tearing their hair out and wringing their hands while uttering the cry "Injustice, injustice, it's an injustice" This spectacle is to be known as the Tynecastle Tantrum. Thinking about the way the Jambos have mortified us all with their sulking reminds me of an admirable and somewhat appropriate quote by Confucious..."Defeat when it comes can sometimes be cleansing and even, in certain circumstances, glorious. However, in football, to lose 7-0 at home to your most bitter rivals can be seen as nothing less than amaranthine humiliation".

On the same day that it was announced that Evander Holyfield was to fight Lennox Lewis for millions of dollars I saw an Evening News billboard that proclaimed 'GAZZA FIGHTING FOR HIS SANITY' This got me wondering just who would be daft enough to consider fighting Gazza if the prize was his sanity and I suddenly realised that the one person who would probably see it as a trade up was our favourite footballing heidbanger, good old Paulo Di Canio. Here's one to tell all your pals. What's the difference between Gaza with one 'Z' and Gazza with two 'Zs'. One is a large insecure area prone to sporadic bursts of violence and unrest. The other is where the PLO has it's headquarters.

Leither Nov 98

Tommy