I have just returned from a wee jaunt to Ireland and my "Brush Up Your Erse" course at college allowed me to successfully have intercourse with the locals. Here are some interesting linguistic facts for you. The Irish word for 'toilet' is 'leithreas'. Now just how bizarre is that? If 'Leithers' had an 'a' in it, it would be an anagram of an Irish toilet. I'm obviously not trying to attach any significance to this unusual language coincidence, merely pointing out that once again I am humbled by the power of education and the enlightenment it provides. In Irish 'Gorgie' means place of unrelenting misery and 'Rangers' translates as 'Gers ar shoyte'. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

Allow me to give you a local tourism tip. If you fancy a stroll along the southern section of the Fife coastal path you should be aware that not much of it actually goes along the coast. From Kirkcaldy to Kinghorn is fine and if you are lucky you may even see a seal or two. From Kinghorn to Burntisland is along a busy main road so watch out for bampot Fife drivers, and Burntisland to Aberdour passes uncomfortably close to an aluminium factory, the pollution it generates can actually be tasted in the air. Keep on going and you will walk along the coast to the suburb of Surrey known as Dalgety Bay before following the path through a scrapyard at Inverkeithing. I will stop now as I have just remembered that this is supposed to be a column about fitba'.

Can you fathom the mysterious world that Andy Goram inhabits? Plucked from the biggest club in Motherwell to play for the biggest club in Manchester as cover for their pampered superstar goalies. Andy will fit in well in the north west and, as he bears an uncanny resemblance to Bernard Manning, though not as athletic looking, will get on well with the locals. In journalistic terms it is like me being unable to bring you this column due to forgetting to take my medication and the voices reappearing, thus leaving the paper no alternative but to bring in John Pilger or Kate Adie as a stand in.

We all remember April 1st as one of these days when being a Hibs supporter is no fun at all. The Huns had been dumped by Dundee United the day before and had no games in hand over us so all we had to do was beat St Johnstone away and then do Rangers at Easter Road the following week to be level on points with them. What happened? You guessed it, our heroes went to Perth and were, well, rubbish.

Just how desperate are Rangers to improve the performance of their players? At Easter Road on April 8th the Huns surprised everybody by turning out in Chelsea strips. Presumably the idea being that the players are daft enough to be conned into thinking they are playing for a good team. It should have been an inspiration to Tore Andre Flo but as usual he tripped over his own feet so many times it was like watching a Norman Wisdom film. Still, no Huns at Hampden this season is a happy prospect.

Were you excited at the league split on April 7th? I was really pleased that Dundee reached the top six as they are a great team to watch and should be challenging for a European place. I loved the pictures of the Bonetti brothers waiting on confirmation of their success. If their story is ever filmed Dario should be played by Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci would be a brilliant Ivano. It was good to see Fabian Caballero back in action after his injury. While recuperating in Argentina he was assaulted in a nightclub which, gladly, is something that could never happen in Tayside. Surely the very idea that anyone would want to go to a nightclub in Dundee is preposterous?