Dear friends, I trust you are happy with the new look Embra Times & Leither so I will now explain the most important change of all that we have inflicted, sorry, blessed you with. Following in the latest football fashion I have decided to provide this column on a pay-per-view basis. Right, sorry, but if you want to read on you must now deposit some dosh in my Swiss bank account and you will get the account number and amount required from my solicitors, Fleecem & Scarper.com. Obviously I am depending on you to be honest and forthright citizens who will willingly pay up without me having to come round to your houses and, as we say in Leith, tan yer windaes.

I'm glad that's out of the way as there is something distasteful about discussing money with people one feels close to, don't you think? You, as a discerning reader, can now enjoy the rest of this column happy in the knowledge that you are getting value for money and the tight-fisted riff-raff have cleared off, so let's talk about fitba.

Isn't it wonderful having Craig Levein as manager at Hearts as we can now sing the football version of 'Daydream Believer' knowing that it actually rhymes?. Everyone was a bit taken aback by Craig's initial criticisms of his players and the way he cancelled their winter holidays made Vlad The Impaler look like quite a nice person. I know things are difficult at Tynecastle these days but I was flicking through the cable channels on my telly recently and observed that the Hearts players are featured on The Shopping Channel. Apparently Gary Locke was bought by Bradford this way, along with a tasteful gold bracelet and full set of stainless steel kitchen utensils thrown in as an incentive to purchase. Mind you, I really shouldn't laugh as The History Channel was showing a programme about the last time Hibs won the Scottish Cup.

It seems that everytime I walk past a newsagents there is a poster on the board outside giving us McLeish's proclamations. I have seen "McLeish Says Government Not Executive" or "McLeish Wants Fox-Hunting Ban" and who can forget the audacious "McLeish Demands Scottish Mission To Mars". We all know that our Alex is a top bloke and fab football manager but I do worry sometimes that he may be getting a bit out of his depth. The only announcement that I have seen evidence of him acting upon was "McLeish Pledges Care For The Elderly" as a few days later he gave Franck Sauzee a contract to 2003.

Consider, if you will, the wretched plight of Darren Jackson. Here is a player who began his career with Meadowbank Thistle and eventually worked his way up to playing for Hibs. He left Hibs to join Celtic and the folly of it led to him having brain surgery which, sadly, was apparently unsuccessful as he then signed for Hearts. How have Hearts repaid him for relieving them of thousands of pounds? Only dumped him back with Meadowbank Thistle, or Livingston FC, as they now prefer to be known. Proof if ever it was needed that football is a cruel game.

Finally, it is only fair that I put an end to all the speculation by giving you, my loyal reader, an exclusive bit of news. Yes, just as you suspected, I am the one responsible for the demise of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage. Nicole and I plan to set up home in a Banana flats penthouse apartment as soon as we can scam enough cash from wee Tom and we would both appreciate it if we could be left in peace. If you see us shopping in Poundys or having a romantic swally in the Boundary Bar please try to remember that me and Nicole are fabulously attractive superstars and you, well, aren't.