I was reading recently about the stooshie caused by Mike Tyson wanting to stage a boxing match in Glasgow. It would appear that some citizens are outraged at the very thought of it. A dim-witted, thuggish ex-convict wants to start a fight in Glasgow. Who would have believed it? Of course, as an undesirable alien of dubious character Tyson can also expect Glasgow to give him a council house and £150 a week in state benefits.

I reckon that one of my many gifts, apart from being terribly witty, is honesty. Whenever I am asked a question I will answer it truthfully and there are times when I take things a bit too literally for my own good. Let me give you a couple of examples. On our last shopping trip together my girlfriend, Chlamydia, asked of me when trying on clothes "Does this dress make my bum look big?" I replied "No, it's lack of exercise and a poor diet that causes that, dear" Well, for no reason whatsoever she went into a huge huff with me and told me our shopping together days were over. Women? Not long after that I read in the paper that some bloke called Phoenix had bought a Rover for £10.00. Naturally I hot-footed it along to Seafield Road, plonked my tenner on the desk and demanded a Rover, green, of course, from the salesman. Talk about an unhelpfull and, I have to say, unnecessarily patronising attitude. After three hours of fruitless arguing I was persuaded by a pleasant young policeman to depart the premises and spend my hard earned tenner on something else. It seemed clear that I was to be thwarted in my quest for a new car so I decided to do up my trusty old Volvo instead. Off I went to the Princes Street branch of The Body Shop and asked for a front nearside wing for a Volvo 240. Well, to my surprise, the assistant just looked at me as though I was daft.

What, I hear you ask, has any of the above to do with football. Nothing really so let's go. Two Hearts fans were chatting. HF1 tells his pal that apparently there is a shop in Leith where you can win free sex. So two very excited Jambos head off to Leith Walk and the shop in question. On arrival they ask how they can win free sex. "It's easy" said the shopkeeper "you tell me a number between one and ten and if it's the same number as I'm thinking of, you win". Keen to give it a go HF1 says "Five". "Sorry" says the shopkeeper "I was thinking of seven". HF2 tries his luck "Eight". "Nope, it's four" is the reply. HF1 has another go "Three". "Close" he is told, "It was two". After a few more unsuccessfull attempts they give up and head home. "I think that was a con and nobody will win" says HF2. "Not at all" replies HF1 "My wife won twice last week.

It was with some regret that I read the news that Hibs are to dump John Hughes and Pat McGinlay. I know they are not as fast or as skillfull as they used to be but they have the ingredient that so many of the foreign mercenaries in the modern game lack, namely, passion. John and Pat are two players who understand what it means to care about the team you play for. Hughes, as we all know, is a Hibs supporter who played his heart out for the team. In the crunch games against Rangers, Celtic and Hearts it was always John and Pat who were prepared to give that extra effort because they appreciated the importance of these games for the fans. So far Alex McLeish has only mentioned more foreigners as he seeks to strengthen the team and I wonder if the day is dawning when Scots will be a novelty in the Scottish game. As good as Latapy and Sauzee are can we honestly expect them to get stuck in when it really matters? I doubt it.

Finally, a good season against the Jambos don't you think? Played four, won two, drew one, lost one and an aggregate score of 8-4 to the Hibees. That'll do nicely.