Bonjour mes amis, yes you guessed it, its holiday time again and I am frying my bits in beautiful France. Did you enjoy Euro 2000 then? Some cracking games of football to behold and a wonderfully high standard except of course for England. They were so bad they could be the new Scotland. What about these English fans? Tut tut tut, such shocking behaviour, when will they ever learn to conduct themselves with a bit more decorum? When watching the games on ITV I was stunned into silence by the appearance of the Rangers advert. Three Dutchmen representing Scotland's finest and trying hard to look all moody and sincere but only succeeding in looking a bit glaiket. Will you be buying the new Rangers away kit on the strength of this advert? Me neither. I had no sooner got used to the Huns on telly when, lo and behold, there appeared an advert for Hearts. We are led to believe that the people in it are genuine Jambos but it looks to me as if they have all been chucked out of Weight-watchers for not trying. The scene where a mum asks her wee boy to name his favourite player is most touching. She should really be asking him why he ate all the pies. Still, an advert like that confirms what most of us have always suspected; Hearts fans are not very good looking.

Let's ponder a while on some facts about last season shall we. The Huns finished top with 90 points, Celtic were 2nd with 69 points and Hearts were 3rd with 54 points, a difference of 36 points between 1st and 3rd. Aberdeen were last with 33 points which was only 21 points behind Hearts. Now just how daft is that? Our league has to be officially a joke when the margin between 1st and 2nd is the same as that between 3rd and 10th.

And Hibs expect us to buy season tickets! I warn you, don't get me started, flip, too late. The hike in season ticket prices for the coming skirmish is nothing short of scandalous. There are no family tickets any more and each child in the family section has to pay £95.00. I see people in that area with three or four kids who are now going to have to be awfully dedicated, or loaded, to continue going to football. Is this the new plan then, to drive families away from the game? Should the board just issue us all with caps with the word 'MUGS' in big print across the front and get it over with? Right, so I moaned about the increased costs but still renewed before the June 2nd deadline and then guess what happened. Five minutes later we go and sell Kenny Miller to Rangers. Dick Advocaat whines on about not having any competition in Scotland but buys up the best players to fill his bloated squad. Nice career move though Kenny but don't expect to get regular games. Mind you, you're now guaranteed your Scotland caps.

I am so angry now I am going to change the subject. I have this idea for a film called 'A Fife Less Ordinary'. The main character is going to be a devilishly handsome, witty 'hugely' successful porn star called King Horn, and after some thought he is to be played by, well, me. My arch enemy will be local mafia boss Don Fermlioni, known to his clan as Capo Di Monte because he controls the underworld supply of decorative porcelain figures. I want to cast Elie McPherson as my bint, Ann Struther, and I am on the lookout for attractive sorts to make up the Dalgety Baywatch babes. If you are interested in lending me lots of money for this project let me know. I can assure you that all the gratuitous sex and violence will be absolutely essential to the plot.