Greetings to all Leither readers, here we are in February already and the Hibees are cutting it a bit fine if they expect to win the championship this year. I hope you had a smashing festive season and, like me, you asked Santa to bring some victories back to Easter Road. My son Michael, who is also my constant companion at Easter Road, bought me the new Hibs video charting the team's progress in the season so far. It is a simple yet entertaining piece of visual information appropriately entitled "Oops". Before I receive complaints, yes I know it could have a devastating effect on a young lad to be forced to watch Hibs on a regular basis. However, I prefer to believe that this is a character forming experience which will stand him in good stead for all the horrors that adult life will throw at him.

I had a really weird dream last week. It was the New Year game at Tynecastle, the Hibees were lined up for kick off and, to everyone's surprise, the Hearts team consisted only of John Robertson and his dog! The game was played at a furious pace and, as usual, Hibs buckled under the pressure of the occasion and the hostility of the Jambo fans. A late revival saw us hold off the relentless pressure of Robbo and his dog and we escaped with a well earned draw. I recently read about some deluded Jambo who decided to name his newborn son after Robbo. I can just see the minister's face at the christening "I name this child Wee Fat Chancer".

I have to admit that the Jambos are playing well these days and are really giving the Weedgies a run for their money. The Hearts squad has some marvellous foreign players in it, the Angolan internationalist, Jose Quitongo being one of the best. Jose was telling me not long ago about how his life has completely changed. There he was playing in front of thousands of screaming poorly educated savages who have little comprehension of the finer points of the game. Three days later he was back home in Angola representing his country. In Stephane Adam they claim to have the best looking player in the Scottish League. To counter this claim it should be remembered that they also have Steve Fulton. When Stephane and Steve are photographed together it is like Spice Boy meets Face-Like-a-Well-Skelped-Erse-Boy.

Fulton is a truly committed Hearts player, mind you, he should be committed for some of the tackles he puts in. The Jambos are building up quite a reputation in France thanks to the exploits of Stephane and Gilles Rousset. It was announced recently that Hearts are linking up with the French club, Nancy, for a series of cultural exchanges. Yes, that's what I thought, the words 'Hearts' and 'cultural' in the same sentence. C'est bizarre. The fans of both clubs are going to swap places with each other for a couple of games so a small corner of a foreign land will echo to the sound of 'Hullo, Hullo, we are the Gorgie Boys'. In return, of course, at Tynecastle they will all be singing 'Allo, Allo, we are the Nancy Boys'. No further comment required, is there?

Leither column, Feb 98

H.I.Bees