Did you miss me, yeh, when I was away? Apologies for the unnecessary Gary Glitter reference because I wasn't really away. Assuming you actually give a toss I will explain why I did not have a column in last month's Leither. As a modern technologically aware guy I naturally type this rubbish on my PC at home and then attach it to an Email which I send to the office. For some reason last month's Email was received minus my column. It's a sobering thought that somewhere out in the virtual world of cyberspace my words of wisdom are floating about waiting for some unsuspecting alien to download them.

On the subject of alien life forms it would appear that Jambos from Leith have been complaining about my column. I have to say I was astounded at this news. Jambos in Leith, how can this be? I can only assume that they were visiting and can't possibly live here. How can Leith keep it's social exclusivity (have I just invented a new word?) if even Jambos can come and live here? This just will not do as it is blatant disregard of the rule that quite clearly states that only Hibbies can live in Leith. Anything other than this would be just too horrible to contemplate. For instance, the likelyhood of inter-marrying and cross-breeding for a start would have frightening social consequences don't you think? Jambos have their own quaint little suburb in our fair city and, unfortunately, a hopelessly inadequate football team to support so they should learn to be content with their lot. Obviously the attraction of Leith cannot be under-estimated and who can blame dissatisfied lesser mortals for wanting to be associated with the place. Gorgie, it has to said, has its own unique charm with a sense of community spirit that should be applauded and it has truly earned its position as the Beirut of the north.

Didn't the Hibees do well against the Tayside teams? Granted, humping the two Dundees is hardly the most difficult thing to do but it was particularly pleasing to do it so well. The televised game against United had absolutely everything. Two penalties, our one undeserved, their one deserved. We scored ours, Billy Dodds nearly hit me with his attempt. Scotland's number one striker? I hope not. There was even a cat running down the pitch! You couldn't write a script like that. Those idle sods who only ever see football on the telly certainly got their moneys worth that night. Days later I was off to Kilmarnock to witness another impressive performance from Kenny Miller which helped give us a well deserved victory.

I watched Rangers going out of the Champions League (yes, I do watch footie on the box sometimes) but I was somewhat distracted when I caught a glimpse of a most unusual phenomenon. Did you see the Rangers fan with a Scottish flag? How bizarre. Has the world gone mad? Will we see Celtic fans waving Scottish flags next? I expect Rangers fans will be delighted that their beloved England are through to Euro 2000, even more so as Celtic supporters are in mourning because Eire failed to qualify.

Talking of Celtic. I watched them losing to Lyon and playing like numpties in the process but it was the BBC coverage that really unsettled me. In the studio we had Hazel Irvine, Tommy Burns and Willie Miller analysing the game for us. Tommy and Willie undoubtedly know their stuff and Hazel held it all together quite well. Now, anyone who knows me will agree that I am a forward thinking, liberated sort of a nineties bloke however, as Hazel was sitting there talking about football I was thinking "That's all very well Hazel, doll, but who's at home making your man's tea?"

Finally, on a seasonal note, if Jesus really was born in Bethlehem why was he given a Mexican name?