While strolling down the beautiful Easter Road recently I was taken aback by a huge, bold as brass, in yer face sign in a shop window which proudly proclaimed "THIS IS NOW A FULLY LICENCED SEX SHOP" What exactly is a sex shop? Is it a place where you go to have sex, buy books about sex or talk about sex? Can you treat it like most other shops and have a browse without any obligation to buy? Depending on how excited you are do you pay by the second, minute or hour? Do you get a money back guarantee if not completely satisfied? Do they have a sale at Christmas? Do they have gift vouchers? What does "fully licenced" mean? Is it now possible to buy drink while you are having/reading about/talking about sex? Before it was fully licenced did you have to bring your own bottle? So many unanswered questions from a simple sign. If you are a patron of this shop you could contact me and I will update the rest of the city. Needless to say discretion is not assured.

Let's spare a thought for cash-strapped Hearts, no, honestly, I'm being serious. As usual I shall pay scant attention to hard facts but the crisis is as follows. Hearts were given £8 million by SMG (a rather dodgy outfit who made their name by producing down-market newspapers and mucky magazines) which they spent rather hastily. Now, by way of some astute financial wizardry, they have a debt of £18 million. At the Jambo agm in November Chris Robinson was asked what was going to happen in 2006 when SMG called round to collect on their 'investment' His fabulously complacent reply was "We will worry about that in 2006" Brilliant don't you think?

I promise you that this is not the punchline of a joke but the bold Chris has proudly announced a partnership between Hearts and Intelligent Finance!!!! Just when we thought the world had gone mad we glance over at the Monty Pythonesque boardroom at Tynecastle and wonder at the audacity of it all. If Chris Robinson can convince an organisation called Intelligent Finance to hook up with Hearts then the man is clearly a genius, or the board of IF are certifiable imbeciles. I wonder if there is any truth in the rumour that, having heard of this latest deal, Stevie Wonder has asked Chris to help him get a driving licence?

Proof if ever it was required that STV operate an east coast bias. On the weekend of 10th/11th November there was no Scotsport programme. The reason for this being that as Hibs and Livingston were not playing then the rest of the games were not worth televising. At last, proper recognition that the lesser teams are just holding the 'Lothian Two' back. The sooner Hibs and Livvi move to Serie A and get some proper competition the better it will be for all of us.

I am going to be serious now and ask that we all take Chris Sutton of Celtic into our thoughts. Chris is suffering from a debilitating illness which, sadly, appears to be getting worse. Not only does it affect his football but it is now beginning to ruin his personal life. We have all been witness to the sad spectacle of Chris falling down in a heap and writhing in agony whenever someone stands behind him during a game. Usually this happens in the penalty area and Chris does not even have to make any physical contact with his opponent. Even if a defender is standing a couple of feet away from him Chris can be inexplicably struck down and it must be very upsetting for him. Now it seems that even when not playing he is affected by this as yet unnamed syndrome. He can be waiting in a bus queue and suddenly fall down for no obvious reason, it has also happened in the Post Office and at the check-out in the supermarket. Next time you are watching him falling down in the penalty area try and be sympathetic and just be glad it's not you.