Recently we were all thrilled to bits with this stuff about genes and the potential we would have to design our own babies, discarding all the bits we didn't like. I read about it for days until I forced myself to understand the basics of what it was all about. Not because I was remotely interested but only because I didnae want to seem thick if anybody asked me about it. Imagine being able to design a bairn. I would get rid of the genes that caused kids to answer back, demand more pocket money and have tantrums when asked to spend any more than a nano-second tidying their rooms.

The point I am trying to make is that I am the kind of bloke who is open to new ideas. You can therefore appreciate my enthusiasm when I heard that the SPL planned to make our football really exciting by changing the league structure towards the end of the season. And then I found out what was going to happen. There have been some daft ideas around concerning football but this one is the daftest of the lot. We are going to have two leagues of six; the top six playing for European places and the bottom six trying to get Aberdeen relegated. Fact - Rangers will win the league and Celtic will be second (If I am wrong I promise to do something humiliating by way of apology) the other four teams will be playing for a UEFA Cup place. What will happen is that three teams will stop playing as they are safe from relegation. Meanwhile, in Hearts' league, there is the likelyhood that the teams who finish near the top could actually have enough points to have qualified for Europe. I hope this is not too complicated for you? If it is you should send your complaints to Roger Miller at the SPL as he is the bampot who dreamt the whole mess up. He was a hopeless singer as well, by the way. 'King of the Road' Aye right you were Roger.

The Hibees apparently had a successful pre-season trip to Germany ('successful' means we didn't get gubbed) and with a little bit of luck could win the Premier league, the League Cup and the Scottish Cup this season. More medication please nurse. I saw a wonderful headline in the Evening News about one of the German friendlies which said "McLeish's men earn Kuntz's respect" and I thought to myself that we would be unlikely to hear that sentence repeated on the radio. It's reassuring to know that Hibs are as ambitious as ever and have signed some new players for the 2000/2001 season. I just wish they would sign players who are significantly better than the ones we have already, or a least I had heard of them. Still, if I get bored watching Hibs I might just have a look at Ayr United as they have half of our squad from last season.

Picture the scene; a primary school class over Gorgie way. All the little treasures are sitting in a circle and the teacher asks them in turn "What team do you support?". All the kids answer "Hearts, miss" until the teacher comes to little Keanu. After a long pause Keanu answers "Hibs, miss". Well, teacher is stunned "You are at school in Gorgie so you should be a Jambo, ya wee.....misguided person" Keanu tries to explain "But miss my mum and dad are Hibees so, for the sake of family loyalty and continuity coupled with the reality that Hearts are pish, I exercise my prerogative to support Hibs" Teacher is not amused "So, you are saying that because your mum and dad are Hibees you are too? What if your mum and dad were morons, what would that make you? Keanu thinks for a second and replies "Well, I guess that would make me a Hearts supporter".

Finally, the first Derby game over and the Jambos coudnae beat us at Tyncastle. Looks like we are on course for another happy season against them.