How did you react to the recent unbelievable news that Hearts had scored seven goals against Dunfermline? Here's a wee quiz for you. When was the last time a team scored seven goals against poor opposition at Tynecastle. Answers on a New Years Day programme, 1973, to the usual address.

Did you see the BAFTA awards? Rangers supporters can never again complain of media bias against them when there is an 'Orange Audience Award' category for the luvvies to fight over. However, for some strange reason the recipient of this award was not Jamie Bell, the obvious choice as he starred in a film with the name 'Billy' in the title, but 'Gladiator' which opens with Germany being defeated by Rome. Come on now, think about it. Who can forget Russell Crowe's immortal opening line delivered in the Weegie vernacular "At my signal, unleash hell, by the way".

How many Rangers supporters does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it, one to buy the 'Changing of the light bulb, season 2000/2001' commemorative video and tee-shirt and one to drive them all home to Edinburgh.

A few days ago I was hangin' with my homies in the 'hood, chillin' and kickin' back, watching the 6-2 video and talking about Eminem. We agreed that Eminem is a top bloke for really winding up the establishment and being good at what he does in the process, even if he does look like a modern day version of Oor Wullie. Did you know that to avoid upsetting the delicate sensitivities of the good folks from Northern Ireland Eminem is going to release four different versions of his best tune. On sale soon will be 'The Real Slim Shady', 'The Provisional Slim Shady', 'The Continuity Slim Shady' and 'The Loyal Slim Shady'. What a good idea.

On the subject of Northern Ireland, during their game against Norway it was such a shame that Neil Lennon was subjected to vile sectarian abuse from a section of the crowd just because he plays for the 'wrong' team. A few days later, when Celtic played Dunfermline, it was comforting to see the way the Celtic fans welcomed him back and gave him the moral support he needed. Sadly, the occasion was marred due to Ian Ferguson of Dunfermline being subjected to vile sectarian abuse from a section of the crowd just because he played for the 'wrong' team. Isn't fitba strange?

True story time. Craig Levein was out for a stroll when he found an unusual looking glass bottle. Unable to resist it he gave the bottle a rub to see what would happen and you can only imagine his surprise when a Genie suddenly appeared in front of him. The Genie informed Craig that he had one wish so he should choose his response carefully. After considerable thought Craig asked for a bridge to be built across the Atlantic from Scotland to America. The Genie explained the logistics of such an enterprise to Craig thus "Can you imagine the amount of metal and concrete that would have to be in such a huge construction? With a length of nearly three-thousand miles how many supporting pillars would have to be built? How high would it have to be and just think of the hazard this would cause to aeroplanes and shipping? Would you really want to drive this far on a bridge? What about petrol stations and hotels? I'm sorry Craig but I really think this is beyond my powers and I must refuse it. Is there anything else you would like?" Craig had a wee think and then replied "How about arranging for Hearts to finish above Hibs this season?" After a period of long deliberation the Genie turned to Craig and, with a sigh, said "Where exactly would you like this bridge to begin then?"