Is there such a thing as Scottish football? The final day of the season saw the Huns and the Soapdodgers hogging the headlines as usual. Both Rangers and Celtic had their goals scored by foreign imports. Amazingly Rangers only managed to field three Scottish players and even then one of those was Richard Gough, who's about as Scottish as Rod Stewart is. With 'Scots' like Goram and Sullivan it looks as though we will have to win the World Cup with a team of individuals with dodgy accents who play second fiddle to a bunch of egotistical mercenaries at their clubs.

Even the First Division which, incidentally, the Hibees are going to win by a mile is littered with mediocre foreign players. The Huns have bought some absolute donkeys in their time but, admittedly, have also been lucky with the likes of Laudrup, Albertz and, who can forget him, the wonderful Slobodan Stalin. Young Slobo came to Fortress Proddie courtesy of Bosman and the scrapping of the three foreigners rule (or the eight numpties rule as it was known here in Scotland).

Slobo was a promising young player with his local team, Edina Grozny, when the Huns rescued him from the horrors of the Chechen civil war and brought him to the sanctuary of Govan. In his first game at Ibrox Slobo scored a hat-trick and his immediate thought was to phone his mum and tell her the good news, bless him. He told her how supportive his new team-mates were and all the new customs he was encountering.

Slobodan could hardly contain himself "Oh Mama, my chums are so kind to me, Super Ally is going to teach me to drive, Durranty takes me to the kebab shop and Andy Goram said we should go out to get blootered and then dip our wicks. I have no idea what this means but I expect it will be a profound cultural experience for me". But Mama soon brought Slobo down to earth with a bump "My dear Slobo it pains me to tell you that our house has been destroyed by mortar fire and we are all living under a plastic sheet in the back yard" Slobodan was gutted "Oh Mama how could I be so selfish.

Here I am enjoying my new life while you are suffering unspeakable horrors. I shall give up my career and rejoin you immediately". But there was more! "But there's more", said Mama, "The local warlord took away your young sister and gave her to his gang as a present and the police have beaten up grandfather for no reason. Things have got so bad here I fear we will not survive for much longer" Poor Slobodan was beside himself with grief, especially with the treatment of his grandfather.

Slobodan thought his grandfather to be the bravest man alive and regarded him as a hero of the 1917 Soviet Revolution. Grandfather had been badly injured in the fighting at the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. He was not actually involved in the conflict but was fishing nearby and had gone over to complain about the noise. "Mama, Mama, how can you ever forgive me, I am living a lie while you suffer a hell on earth, I feel so responsible" To which his Mama responded "But you are responsible, it was your idea that we all come and live in bloody Glasgow in the first place"