I thought it would be a good idea to conduct a survey in order to discover which team is the worst in the Premier League. However, there was always the danger that I would disagree with the verdict reached by the survey and be forced to over-rule it so, as this is my column anyway, I will save us all a lot of trouble and just tell you which team is the worst in the league. It is my opinion that Dunfermline are without a doubt the splinter in the arse of Scottish football.

This is a team whose ethos consists solely of blootering the ball upfield and hoping for the best. The staggering fact is that this cunning ploy actually works as their centre forward, Andy Smith, is one of the leading scorers in the league. They recently lost the services of a Brazilian midfielder, Sergio Duarte, who decided he had had enough of the bright lights and sophistication of Fife and did a bolt back to Rio. The quote from Bert Paton to explain poor Sergio,s departure was just priceless...."The style of football he played didn't really fit in with the way we like to play the game in Dunfermline" Let's ponder a while on Bert's philosophy. We all accept that Brazilians are probably the most gifted and exciting players in the world and they have an approach to the game that is marvelled at by footie fans everywhere. Except, of course, in good old Dunfermline. I wonder if it ever occurred to Bert Paton that Sergio was just a tad fed up with the ball sailing over his head all day. Instead of expecting Sergio to forget all the skills he had learned in Brazil and play the Dunfermline way would it not have made more sense to try and learn a bit from him? If Dunfermline manage to escape relegation and are a part of the all new spiced up Scottish Super Premier League then they will be forced to do something about their stadium. East End Park is a hotch-potch of girders, railway sleepers and coal dust and it is a fairly good replica of the Albanian national stadium in Tirana. Sadly though, the Fifers, being considerably tighter than Albanians, decided to leave out some unnecessary luxuries, like seats and toilets, from the construction plans.

I realise that the more cynical amongst you will put this scurrilous attack on the pride of Fife down to sour grapes because the glorious Hibees could only get a draw when a win was absolutely essential. Well, so what if you are right but at least Easter Road is a much nicer place to watch First Division football from than Dunfermline is. On a positive note I am happy to announce that betting has now opened for the 1998-99 season and Hibs are already favourites to win the Challenge Cup. This trophy used to be known as the B&Q Cup but had to be re-named because the handles kept falling off.

Finally, now that the great Gazza has departed our game for Middlesborough, the 24th best team in England, it gives me pleasure to inform you that Microsoft have dedicated their latest computer programme to him. Yes, very soon "Numpties for Windows" will be available to us all.